What you see above is sort of dated, it's old hat. This is where you get all the "hipster" connections. I can say at least in my local area that the hipster as we may have known it has moved on to other things, like vintage motorcycles or gone back to heroin, they are no longer seen pedaling around in my neck of the woods, that is for sure. While the contemporary fixie rider does share many similarities with the above cartoon, they do not have the large funds to afford fancy bikes anymore. Like most trends, it's often starts with spoiled rich kids and trickles down to the rest of us. Now that even Wal-Mart sells a fixed gear bike, anyone can afford to be "cool".  

At this point, it's no longer about cycling but a simple trend. The bike is an accessory, like a mood ring was to being a hippy, or big hair was to glam metal, it's just a trapping of a look. A look to be discarded once the trend has become "uncool". But I digress in my sophomoric prattle. Lets break down what wrong with these bikes.

1. NO Fucking Brakes!!!

For training, a fixed gear bike will make you spin well, many serious and pro cyclists use them to develop an efficient spin. However, you can't stop. Real bike messengers have excellent control and bike handling skills, and yet they still get hit by cars and have other cycling related accidents all the time, it's dangerous. Now take an inherently dangerous bike and ad an inexperienced rider (often drunk) and you have a recipe for disaster. You have no brakes and thus cannot stop when you need to. You will get fucked up. 

2. Nothing New Here!

Before we had the roller chain, people rode a penny farthing, or ordinary (because they were so commonplace) or high-wheeler bike. With the advent of the roller chain came the safety cycle, a fixed gear bike. The year: around 1880. That means that EVERYONE rode one of these, it's nothing new. You're not part of a new trend, you're just re-hashing some old shit that was done over a 100 years ago. Very clever and original. Yep, I remember my first beer too...

3. You're not a messenger, so why?...

A fixed gear bike in the right hands is quick and responsive, ideal for a bike messenger. For the most part, bike messengers are a dying breed and yet you want to look like them? I remember that everyone had a messenger bag, now not a one will be seen on the back of one of these kids. The handle bars were cut short to weave between cars, we now see an extreme take on this with little more than a hands width for a handle bar. If it's smaller than your shoulders, than it's pointless. The only weaving these people do is a drunken ride to the next beer stop. In fact I've gone on enough of these rides to conclude that the ratio of riding to drinking is about 20/80%. Why would you want to be a poseur anyway? Being real is the easiest thing you can do and yet almost no one does it. If you're not a bike messenger then why the hell would you want to look like one? It's like looking rock-a-billy and showing up to the car show in a fucking Honda, gay. 

Is he a messenger? The message is "Where's the party at?" Go die.

4. One day, I'll be that cool.

Simply put, I'm just not cool enough to ride a fixie. I just can't strut around on by bike thinking I'm king shit. The best way to shed yourself of these people on a group ride is to take the ride up a hill, any hill and watch them drop like flies. If riding a fixed gear bike is what it takes to me cool, I'll do without. Thanks. And they look so fucking bored. Why do look look bored? Are you bored? Then you're boring! Are you melancholy because you got no new "friend" requests on gayspace? or fakebook? I hear they are combining Youtube, Twitter, and Facebook together in a new website called youtwitface.com.  

It's the overt lack of enthusiasm that really bothers me, I know in a year or two, you'll be gone, but not before I verbally abuse you a bit, it's only fair.... Do you really think that by buying a bicycle and wearing a costume will somehow let you into the kingdom of "coolness"? No, it won't. It's so obvious to me because all the bikes are so similar. First they are super bright colors, then two different colored wheels, now people are running a 40 or 42 section tire on their bikes, and the next thing is the Mountain bike bars with a small rise and a cross-brace...then everyone rushes to make the changes to their bike so they can be on the crest of the trend. What if we smeared poo on your bike, would you go along then? When will it stop? Don't you see you're chasing the horizon? No I guess you don't, otherwise we'd not be where we are today with me hating your fucking guts. 

This lady thinks she is the shit but we all know that by having a front brake on her fixie, she loses hard-core points. 

What the fuck is up with this shit?! Look at me doing my gay ass skid! Don't you know tires cost money? How are you going to support your heroin habit and do skids? You'll have to pick which one you like more. There are choice gear ratios that you want to have so you can have more positions to skid, all of which are gay. 

So help me, run for your life it's another fucking bar spinning mindless monkey! Fuck!! Look at me! My bikes is colored like cat barf and I'm spinning, spinning! Did you see my bar spin? No? I'll do it again!!

I'm sorry, this is just so fucking gay I'm at a loss for words. The people in the back are thinking "Why is this skinny white bitch in her underwear?"

See I'm not the only one that feels the hate, let us join forces to destroy this evil.

Lets see..Green lights, yellow rims, white tires, blue frame, pink pedals, silver cranks, gold seatpost, and purple horseshoes! Are you fucking colorblind or what? I know you dropped out of art school but did you look at a color wheel at least once? What the hell...

This fixed gear bike brought to you by the Ronald Mc Donald Corporation.. 

The next step from super tight pants is no pants.

This photo was a lot of work to let everyone know what a complete fucking tool you are. I'm sure all the guys in the club wear high heels and mini skirts too.

Ahh yes. A tattoo. A tattoo is a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling. All the kids I saw a few years back with chain ring tattoos are gone, so now what? How do you explain that one away? "They are flying saucers" ??? No. Can you monkeys think beyond the next ten minutes? No, I guess you can't. I can see this one going over well at the Thanksgiving dinner table..."Honey, is that a tattoo of a bicycle on your chest?" ...oh man...pass the gravy.

Don't even get me started on how much I hate this fucking guy. I actually got tricked into shaking his hand before I realized he was the bicycle Anti-Christ. This asshole tricked everyone in the LA bike scene (except yours truly) to be in his gay ass video for his crappy ass band, and what did they get for their trouble? Money? Bike parts? No! Peanut butter mutha fucking sandwiches. Fools. What did you think was going to happen? I had to get a young priest and an old priest together so I could get the evil off my hand from touching the devil's paw that was attached to Jared Leto's skinny chicken arm. You sir, are a boil upon the ass of humanity. I'm having to listen to Rush: Moving Pictures over and over again just to get the evil out. The River!!! I comes as no surprise that he rides a fixed gear bike. Gay. 

What do you think he's thinking about? How his fork looks like a cock? Or how he might be color blind....

Here he is again with his pals! You douche bags aren't racers, you most likely get dropped by the local group ride by the 65+ group. The only race you compete in is the one you win every fucking time: the race to suck balls. 

What the fuck is going on here? I thought all the neon day glow shit went out in the 80's. These bikes hurt my eyes. Do you have a pair of Oakley Blades and a mullet too? The real sad thing is there is (hopefully was) a manufacturer out there that thought making all the vomitous day glow crap was a good idea and yes there was some moron out there that thought it was a good idea to ride one of these radioactive waste dumps on two wheels. Do you need that much attention? Either get a dog or rob a bank.

Let's break it down some more..

Fixed gear wheel sets. 

You need good ones to take the beating that you'll dish out on the street, the cheap 100 dollar sets you see floating around now will not last, in the end you wind up buying several cheap sets where one good (expensive) set would keep your trendster ass on the bike until the trend was over and we'd be burning fixed gear bikes in a pile like they did disco records in the 70's. Fixed gear wheel sets are made (or were) made for use in the velodrome. If you're unfamiliar with the velodrome it's a banked oval that is used for bicycling racing. Only fixed gear bikes are allowed on the velodrome. The main reason for this is safety. Bicycles not having brake lights make it hard for you to stop if the guy in front of you mashes on the brakes. In these types of races, one is right on the rear wheel of the guy in front of him/her. So having brakes would make this perilous sport all the more dangerous. Riding a fixed gear bike makes for very efficient pedaling as well. And lastly, the first bikes to have a chain drive or roller chain were fixed gear (see above) before the advent of the coaster brake, so I think there is a traditional aspect to riding track bikes as well. Now, these bikes and wheels are not meant to be ridden on the street, the constant back and forth motion of street riding will strip out the fixed cog. On the track, you can gradually wind down, no need for abrupt stops. The conclusion is you'll wear out a lot of wheels, I'm sure your local bike shop has no problem with this as fixed gear wheel sets are not cheap, not even the shitty ones compared to say a set of low end mountain bike wheels. Road bikes and road cycling is a rich man's sport so things are high priced, that's just the way it is. 

Areo rims.

Are you racing? Do you need to be more aerodynamic? Do the 7-11 stops require that you hang out in an aerodynamic manner? No, they do not. Unless you're racing, you don't really need areo wheels. In fact they require extra long valve stems on your tubes and are a bitch to replace spokes on. People want them and don't even know why, they just want them because everyone else wants them. This is the same kind of bovine mentality that allowed people like Hitler to rise to power in the 1930's. You fucking cows. You can have all the colors you want now, make sure you have one orange wheel and one blue one with a pink and yellow tire for full vomitous effect. There's nothing wrong with having colors on your bike, but at least try to adhere to a theme of some sort so it looks like you took at least a moments thought on how it would look between bong hits you fucking tool. Go die.

Areo spokes.

Yeah, you really need them shits. Once you get the areo spokes then you're set for "max chillin". You can post all kinds of pics of your rich kid white ass dressed up like a gangster making fake gang signs in front of the AM-PM of your fucking pointless facebook page. College money was never so worthlessly squandered...

Tiny ass handle bars.

Messengers used to cut their bars down to the width of their shoulders so they could go between cars, it makes sense. Cutting them down to a hands width is pointless, dangerous (which I'm all right with, because you may die), and just fucking gay. This is where the trend becomes so extreme where the original point of the idea is lost for the "look". Ask one of these tiny handlebar wielding retards why they have their bars cut short and they will reply that they are "cool". If all it takes is a hack-saw and a bovine mentality to be cool then sign me up! Get real. 

Giant straps for the pedals.

I've seen these on some special needs cycles for people with disabilities, need I say more? I will say more. Why do you have them? Why do you want them? Do you need to pedal more efficiently? I just don't get it. One fixie tard sees monkey with straps and monkey see, monkey do. Having these straps on your bikes just proves the point that the bike is just a fashion accessory, and the owners are chasing cool like they're chasing the horizon. 

Crappy ass spray-painted bikes.

Can you at least take the time to take the bike apart or at least mask a few things off before you cover the whole fucking thing in spray paint? The chain is covered in red spray paint, the wheels, spokes, the cog, the sides of the tires, it looks awful. Take some pride in your bicycle, it shows that you care. But you don't care do you? As long as you look the part so you can fit in is all that matters. The other thing is not to use pliers on your bike, and make sure the crank arms are the same size (no joke). In other words, give your possessions and especially your bicycle the love it deserves.  The only people that can have fucked up bikes are homeless crack-heads.